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No pictures this week...sorry. It is just all boring reading hahaha
A few days ago I was sitting on the couch in my pjs and remembered where I had gotten them. My sister had left them in our house (along with a bunch of other treats) to comfort us when we got home from the hospital. I then realized, that although not the happiest story, I always want to remember those few days. The hospital, coming home, having family around us all weekend for the 4th of July. The memories make me cry, but it was a part of my life and it was important. There aren't a lot of memories I get of Franklin, but at least I can remember all of the feelings from those few weeks.
What is it like leaving a hospital without your expected child? And not because they are in the NICU, or being cared for by the hospital (however, I am sure that is also a terrifying circumstance). But what is it like to leave a hospital when all you get to carry out is a small memory box and stuffed animal and flowers?
In short…it's not something that can be described. Best description I can think of: It is unbearably painful.
I was in the hospital for a week-ish. Josh stayed with me the whole time (as mentioned in previous posts). When we were leaving, there were so many emotions. We were both exhausted from the lack of sleep. We were sick of being in that room and having to talk to nurses (even though they were all wonderful). We were done with the sad faces every time our door opened. We missed our families because they weren't allowed to come in due to COVID-19 restrictions. And I really missed my cats and doggie. We wanted to be in the fresh air. We had enough of the hospital food. We also didn't want to leave the one place where we would ever get to see our baby. And we didn't want to face the terror of driving home with an empty back seat, silence, and the arrival to an empty house.
We took a few pictures out the hospital room window before we left and then took a picture of ourselves, just for the memory. We got everything packed up onto a cart and I slid into a wheelchair to get down to the car. I left carrying a box of Kleenex on my lap, and our little angel bear that was given to us by the hospital. (If you ever see any pictures of Franklin, the bear mentioned is the one in those pictures. Also, on a side note, if you would ever like to see his picture, I would love to share it with you. He was adorable. Just send me a message.)
When we got downstairs, Josh went out and drove the car around and I sat with my nurse. She was pretty wonderful. She was asking me about family, and who I have nearby to help. She was asking about Josh, who of course, is the best person on this whole planet (and I will fight you on this fact hahaha). Then she helped me out the front doors and a huge wave of emotion followed.
There was fresh air. It smelled like pine trees. I was free of the hospital. It was a little cloudy out, but not raining. My life had changed so significantly in that past week, and I was not ready to face anything at that point. I was weak, swollen, physically in pain. I was leaving the hospital without Franklin. No baby in the backseat. No perfect fairytale ending. Just my things, a few vases of flowers, a stuffed bear a few prescriptions and a memory box.
But guess what?
I made it out of there alive. And I made it out of there with Josh by my side.
To be continued…
