Some Words from My Mom

This week is a GREAT read. My mama wrote a blog post. I only teared up a teeny bit. Woohoo!! (Also, if you see anything in this color...that would be me adding an additional comment.) And I always have comments, so I will try to keep it to a minimum 😁

Hi Everyone!

It's me! Marci. Some of you may not know me, I'm Brooke's Mom. Brooke asked if I'd like to have a turn to share on her blog.  I'd like to take a little time and share my story of the loss of our first Grandson, Franklin Lawrence and what was going through our minds when we almost lost our daughter. I am hoping to get a little bit of therapy from this opportunity. I will share with you what I saw and what I know as of Wednesday June 25.

Wednesday June 25th Brooke and Josh came to our house for a visit. I was concerned about her health as she seemed to be very swollen. She hadn't been feeling up to par and had an appt for Thursday the 26th of June. Brooke went to her appt on Thursday. Urine test was done. She was positive for protein in the urine. She was asked to do a 24 hour urine test, but told it wasn't able to be turned in until Sunday (since they would be closed). She was not double-checked for a second opinion.  She was not sent to labor & delivery just for precaution. (Which I just don't understand why not. I worked for Women's Health for 14 years. I have always seen my co-workers...MDs...tend to err on the side of caution when protein in urine was present along with swelling and headaches.) Brooke also had an elevated blood pressure. Brooke called the nurses line on that Saturday as she was not feeling well, only to have someone tell her that she was fine and will be fine until Monday. 

Brooke was new to pregnancy. She trusted her providers. Brooke was only seen 2-3 times in person. How does a phone call act as an appointment?!

Fast forward to Monday June 29th....

Brooke was not feeling well Monday, but still went to work. We had been texting and she sent me a message that she wanted to leave work. Being the person she is, she did not want to inconvenience her work and was concerned about leaving, but I talked her into it. She didn't want to concern Josh (and the Saturday call made her feel it was not urgent), so I offered for Kent and I to come pick her up at work and bring her home. When we picked her up she was having kidney pain. She was very swollen and pale. She decided to ask for an appointment that day, and was relieved from work around lunch time to get her blood pressure checked. We had contacted Josh and let him know she was not feeling well and we would go straight to her OB office. He met us there.

 AND from there the world spun and hasn't stopped since.

She arrived, had her blood pressure taken and saw the OB who told them to go to labor & delivery immediately. At the hospital, they would not let Josh or any family members join her. She went through their protocols, temperature, COVID-19 questions and all, not feeling well. She was then told to "walk" to labor & delivery.  She was in pain and scared. (👼 Yes I was) It was an awful feeling we all had to deal with. We waited for a bit wondering what was happening when Josh finally received a call and was asked to come in.

I still don't know exactly what happened, except after he went through the doors our lives changed forever. And with an outcome one would never expect.... The last we heard from Josh...Brooke was being rushed into surgery for an emergency c- section. Being one with extreme anxiety, I called my Mom to let her know what was happening. And then a few close people in my life who had experience with preemie babies, and let them know what was happening. They were so kind to talk to me and give me hope. My anxiety was going through the roof.

I wanted to go to the hospital chapel to pray. There was a lady out front who told me I could. She gave me directions to get there, only to be stopped at the door and told I could not go pray. They said they had a Chaplin and would send them out. After several requests, and 2 hours later...she came out. I felt in my heart that she knew something. She stayed with us and prayed with us for a while.

After about 4 to 5 hours I started reaching out to find information on what was happening. I was transferred and transferred and transferred. I was declined any information over and over. I left messages to please have Josh call. I left messages asking the nurses to please ask Josh for permission to let Kent, Ria and I know what was happening. I asked if my daughter was alive. I pleaded... I couldn't breathe. They would not answer. I tried to get into the hospital, I was held by security, who said she would get to me when she had time and asked me to step aside.

I was pleading...I'm not going to lie...I had enough by then! Ria had to intervene and didn't want me to be kicked out of the hospital area. All I wanted to know was if our  daughter/her sister was alive!!! Not one person would answer. HIPAA. I get HIPAA.  I really do.

But come on!! Was Brooke dead or alive??  Was Josh alone?  Was our grandbaby alive???  I then realized I needed to call Josh's family. I was hoping his father would have heard from him, but he had not. I explained what happened to Robert. I caught him at Lowes, shopping with Josh's sister, Mariah. Poor Robert, trying to hold it together, remained calm and did not let her know the seriousness of the phone call and her asking who was on the phone. I also didn't want him to hang up until he got home. I was worried about them driving under the stress and circumstances. When Robert and Mariah got home we hung up so he could go talk to Josh's mother, and let her know the situation.

So there we sat some more...and sat...and sat... After about 6 hours, I received the unfortunate text from Josh that our grandson was taken into an emergency c-section and Franklin "did not make it"...and Brooke was in serious condition. He would get to us when he could. He did not have cell service at all where he was.

And what I understood was that he was alone! Alone!!  How does one go through this alone??? How do they do this? What happened???

Would she survive this? What will we do if she doesn't? What will we do if she does?? What will Josh do???? How do we do this? They were watching her closely hoping she did not have a seizure due to her organs shutting down. Here was our baby. Laying there. She was unrecognizable. She was in kidney failure. Liver failure and her heart would never be repairable.

Her life would never be the same. Josh's life would never be the same. Our lives will never be the same. Josh's family's lives will never be the same. 

What do we do???? 

Now people try to say and do the right things but it doesn't always come out right. People leave your lives because they don't know what to say or do. You meet new people to add to your lives. You watch the world continue as if nothing went wrong when it has completely stopped for your children and their families.

As parents we can always fix things for our children, so that's what we think anyway. Until they are dealt such a tragic unexplainable event. We can give them so much love. We can provide just about anything. We give them life, money, a home, food, clothing all the material things.

But what we can't provide is advice. Advice for the loss of their child. How do we provide that? We are struggling. We have literally watched our children lose their child. Our child's child. Our Grandchild/Great Grandchild, Nephew and someday a brother.... And why?

I know this blog post is all over the place.

There is so much to say. There is so much anger. There are so many unanswered questions. But if there is one thing I want everyone to know, it is that...this can happen to you. I hope it never does. We go on about life like there are no worries, no concerns and putting off what we think is unimaginable. If you know someone who is pregnant or is considering pregnancy... study. Read up on everything. Learn everything. Not just the good parts, but the scary parts too!! Be prepared. Be your own advocate or an advocate for someone else. If it doesn't feel right speak up. (Yep!! x 1million) If it's a weekend, make the providers work whether they want to or not. And for sure, never blame yourselves. (Still working on this one...)

It is a very lonely feeling for all of us. We do not have anyone in our circle/family who has ever had to deal with this tragedy.  So advice is very sparse and support can be difficult. I assure you we are all working on therapy. That is constant advice. We hear it. Unfortunately, right now in the world, mental health care is at full capacity. There are not enough providers to go around.  

It has been almost 6 months and  it still feels unreal. We still cry. We are still angry. We still ask why? Every day pains our children and our families. But every day, I thank God that we still have Brooke. That will forever be our miracle.

(Love you mama!)