Awkward Conversation…
Here's a weird one…
What do you do with your newborn baby? Bury them or cremate them?
By the time we got out of the hospital, we had to make the not-so-wonderful decision of choosing burial or cremation for Franklin. Wow. Never thought I would have to do that. Never thought we would have to sit and contemplate where the remains of our first born child would stay.
Neither of us can remember if it was the nurse or the chaplain…but somebody came into our room to bring us information. I think my brain just blocks it out. It isn't something I want to remember, really. Basically every person that came into our room was awkward and didn't know what to say to us (which was great preparation for the rest of our lives now). At least that is how it seemed. They all would just ask how we were doing…Just great. What do you think?
They brought in a folder for us to read through. Papers on grief counseling, options for cremation, options for burial, support groups (which are mostly cancelled due to COVID-19), ways to cope and grieve. They also let us know that we had to choose where Franklin would go before leaving the hospital. Which also sucks. You have 4 or 5 days to make a huge decision while being in the worst state of mind EVER…here are a few things you don’t think about until you are in this situation….
What funeral home should I send my baby to?
What kind of urn do I want around my house for the rest of my life?
Do I want an urn?
Is anyone going to judge me on whether I choose burial or cremation?
What is the "right" thing to do? (Who fricken knows? It's a baby!!!!)
Do we get a birth certificate? Death certificate?
How did my baby shower turn into a "celebration of life"?
How is this fair?
Why?
How?
Am I having a nightmare?
We chose cremation. It felt and still feels like the right decision. So that’s good. Josh was the strong one. He looked through different websites while we were in the hospital. He read the pamphlets out loud. And sometimes not out loud because neither of us could handle it. He searched for pretty urns. We both sat and broke down while he read through paperwork. (Having Diners, Drive-Ins and Dines on the hospital tv is seriously the only thing that kept us sane and kind of entertained.)
We called my parents and asked them to drive by a few of the funeral homes. We didn't want to send our baby to just any place. But also, Josh didn't want to leave me at the hospital and drive around by himself and I probably wouldn't have let him even if he wanted to. Having to ask your parents to go research funeral homes for their grandchild feels like a pretty horrible thing to do. But, I will say, that our parents wanted (and still want) to do anything they can, and that was a huge help.
We chose to have a few cross necklaces filled with Franklin's ashes. We also chose this angel urn. It is enormous, but really awesome. And it sits next to our tv, "watching over" Netflix and Hulu and YouTube and Disney+ with us.
We chose to have a few cross necklaces filled with Franklin's ashes. We also chose this angel urn. It is enormous, but really awesome. And it sits next to our tv, "watching over" Netflix and Hulu and YouTube and Disney+ with us.
When we picked up our necklaces and angel from the funeral home, it was a really odd feeling. We were both relieved and comforted, knowing we finally got to bring him home with us. (Not the way we imagined, but it was still kind of a nice feeling.) But the second we got out the door with the angel and our necklaces, I cracked. I almost couldn't walk to the car. Not only was my belly still in horrible pain, but I felt like my legs were just shaking and giving out. We made it to the car, cried there for a while, and Josh buckled up the angel in the backseat for the ride home.
Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe we will keep the ashes forever? Maybe we will spread his ashes somewhere pretty on a vacation? For now it is the closest thing we have to bringing our baby boy home from the hospital and I am glad we made that choice.
In the end...I just want to make the point, that if you are reading this and if you ever have to do this. Pick whatever YOU feel is right.
